women

[BC]

After a couple of years, the job still sucks.

Top 10 reasons why a handgun is better than a woman

#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.

#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for

when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he

will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a

backup.

#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of

ammo.

#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look

fat?"

#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you

use it.

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

***NEWSFLASH***

100 tampons for £1

...No strings attached

...but for a limited period ONLY!

...A bloody good deal!

My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.

Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

A: Put a nipple on it.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy. It's just a question of degree.

Real men know the value of duct tape.

Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he’ll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she’ll pack 21 outfits because she doesn’t know what she’ll feel like wearing each day.

Before and after you fall in love

BEFORE - You take my breath away

AFTER - I feel like I'm suffocating

BEFORE - Twice a night

AFTER - Twice a month

BEFORE - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation

AFTER - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac

BEFORE - Saturday Night Fever

AFTER - Monday Night Football

BEFORE - Don't stop

AFTER - Don't start

BEFORE - Is that all you're having?

AFTER - Maybe you should have just a salad, honey

BEFORE - We agree on everything

AFTER - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

BEFORE - Victoria's Secret

AFTER - Fruit-of-the-Loom

BEFORE - Idol

AFTER - Idle

BEFORE - I love a woman with curves

AFTER - I never said you were fat

BEFORE - Time stood still

AFTER - This relationship is going nowhere

BEFORE - You look so seductive in black

AFTER - Your clothes are so depressing

BEFORE - Oysters

AFTER - Fishsticks

BEFORE - I can hardly believe we found each other

AFTER - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

Why computers are better than women

1. A computer can wait forever for you.

2. A computer doesn't compare you with it's past users.

3. A computer doesn't get calls from it's past users while you're logged in.

4. A computer doesn't mind how excited you get.

5. A computer doesn't tell you how completely teriffic it's past users have been.

6. A computer is big in all the right places.

7. A computer never forgets your birthday.

8. A computer won't ask, "Are you in?"

9. A computer won't ask, "Is there another computer?"

10. A computer won't even talk about marriage.

11. A computer won't fall in love with you just because you have sex.

12. A computer won't get bitchy if you're slow to respond.

13. A computer won't grade you on how much you send it.

14. A computer won't look through your checkbook.

15. A computer won't mind how many other accounts you have, or if you keep getting new ones.

16. A computer won't say, "Let's just be friends."

17. A computer won't shave with your razor.

18. A computer's maintainance personel don't cross-examine you every time you log in.

19. Computers are easy to turn on.

20. Computers are ready when you are.

21. Computers are very responsive.

22. Computers aren't into finding out how far you'll go to keep your account.

23. Computers do everything you tell them to.

24. Computers don't care about age differences.

25. Computers don't care if you're married.

26. Computers don't get pregnant.

27. Computers don't get upset if you use other computers.

28. Computers don't insist on foreplay.

29. Computers don't make you meet their parents.

30. Computers don't mind if you share them with a friend.

31. Computers don't mind spending hours on the phone with you.

32. Computers don't play head games unless you ask them to.

33. Computers never ask you to call them in the morning.

34. Computers never have headaches, or take rainchecks, or have a curfew, or have that time of the month.

35. Computers won't mind if you don't like their friends.

36. If you don't like the feel of one terminal you can easily switch to another in less than a min.

37. Size doesn't count to a computer.

38. The average computer session lasts for hours.

39. With a computer, you never have to say you're sorry.

41. You can turn off a computer.

42. You can visit a computer any time you like, and it'll be up and ready for you.

[BC]

Rules for women

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Saturday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. No you really do have too many shoes.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's camping.

Benefits of being a toman

They got off the Titanic first.

They can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

When they buy a vibrator, it's sexy. When men buy a blow-up doll, it's pathetic.

Taxis stop for them.

Men die sooner, so they get to cash in on the life insurance.

Free drinks.

Free dinners.

They know the truth about whether size matters.

If they forget to shave, no one has to know.

They have an excuse to be totally cranky at least once a month.

They can talk to people of the opposite sex without automatically picturing them naked.

They can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? Cause they want to!

Q: Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?

A: It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.

What is the difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMS?

You can negotiate with the terrorist.

Popravljeno Oktober 14, 2006. Popravil BC

[BC]

Q. How d'you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

A. Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q: What's the similarity between a woman and a condom?

A: They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick!

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A: A battery has a positive side.

Q: A brunette, a blonde and a redhead in third grade. Who has the biggest tits?

A: The blonde, because she's 18.

Q: Why are Women's feet shorter than men's feet?

A: So they can stand closer to the sink.

Q: Why did god give men penises?

A: So they'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up!

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it.

Q: What do women & dog turds have in common?

A: The older they are, the easier they are to pick up!

Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

A: Nothing, you already told her twice!

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?

A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E?

A: One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.

Q: If your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you, what have you usually done wrong?

A: Made her chain too long.

Q: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing maching will never be able to support you.

Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?

A: Divorced.

Q: Why do women like intelligent men?

A: Opposites attract.

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

That's not funny, OKAY!?!

or

Two. One to change the light bulb and one to suck my dick.

or

Three. One to do it and the others to consider unscrewing it before it's a

third of the way in.

or

Four. One to do it and the rest to consider the sexual implications.

or

Five. One to change the bulb, one to complain that the bulb is violating the

socket, one to secretly wish she were the socket, one to secretly wish she were

the bulb, while the last one gets all charged up and turned on watching the

others.

or

Six. One to change it and five to wring their hands and agonize about how

oppressed the socket is.

or

Seventy. One to change it while the others make a 69.

Why did it take 4 women with PMS to change a light bulb?

It just did okay!!!!!

Why did God create lesbians?

So feminists wouldn't breed.

How do you know God isn't a woman?

If God were a woman, cum would taste like chocolate!

Why did God give woman nipples?

To make suckers out of men.

What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?

A snowman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowwoman you have to hollow out the

head and pack all that extra snow into balls to make her large breasts!

What is the difference between a pitbull dog and a PMS woman?

Lipstick.

Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Why did the woman cross the road?

Who cares? What the hell was she doing out of the kitchen?!!

Why can't Helen Keller drive?

She's a woman.

How many men does it take to do the washing?

None, it's a woman's job.

What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?

A woman that won't do what she's told.

Don't be sexist. Broads hate that.

What is the the fleshy mass surrounding the vagina called?

The woman.

Why do women change their minds so often?

To keep them clean.

Besides "I love you", what three words does a wife want to hear most?

"I'll fix it."

What is six inches long, two inches wide, has a head on it, and women are crazy for it?

Money!!!

Why does a woman close her eyes when she's having sex?

Because no woman ever wants to see a man enjoying himself!

What do you do if your dishwasher stops working?

Slap the bitch.

[BC]

We cannot love them all. But we must try.

Women inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Women! You can't live with them, you can't do most positions without them.

Never argue with a woman when she's tired...or when she's rested.

One of the ironies of life is that it's usually the warm girls, not the cold ones, who get the fur coats.

A man and woman were lying in bed on night and the woman said to the man, "I sure wish I had bigger tits."

Well the man responded by saying she should rub toilet paper all over them.

The woman looked at him and said "Toilet paper, what will that do?"

The man said, "I don't know, but look what it's done for your arse."

One day, God went to find Adam and Eve in the garden, but found that Adam was sitting by himself.

"Where's Eve?" He asked.

"Well," said Adam, "She started to bleed. This happens every month or so."

"So where is she?" asked God.

"Well, she went down to the river to wash up." replied Adam.

"Damn," said God. "Now I'll never get the smell out of the fish."

Whatsamatta university's seminars for women

Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is required.

Etiquette and behavior:

EB101: PMS (Preposterous Mood Swings) - Learning To Sleep Over At Mother's

EB102: We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas (Just Wear The Sexy Lingerie I Gave You)

EB103: How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right

EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Talk About Feminine Hygiene In Mixed Company

EB105: If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother

EB106: How To Act Younger Than Your Mother

EB107: Apologizing For Farting When You're On The Toilet Is Not Necessary

General electives:

GE101: You, The Whining Sex

GE102: Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend

GE103: Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous

GE104: Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most

GE105: Learning To Appreciate Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men

Home economics:

HE101: You Can Change The Oil Too

HE102: How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug

HE103: How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football

HE104: How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop

HE105: Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself

HE106: How To Close The Garage Door

HE107: How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste

HE108: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One

HE109: Why Going To The Bathroom Is Not A Group Activity

HE110: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?")

Interpersonal relationships:

IR101: Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness

IR102: If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation

IR103: Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation

IR104: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching "The Three Stooges"

IR105: Marriage - The Number One Cause Of Divorce

Life skills:

LS101: Combatting The Impulse To Nag

LS102: Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around

LS103: Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right

LS104: Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility

LS105: Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours

LS106: How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia

LS107: Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank

LS108: How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself

LS109: You Too Can Carry A Backpack

LS110: Dress Like A Slut And Put On Something Sexy - Why It Won't Ruin Your Brain

LS111: Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving

LS112: How To Remain Femininely Enticing And Attractive After Menopause

LS113: How To Parallel Park

Sex education:

SE101: Reasons To Give Head To Your Man

SE102: How To Stay Awake During Sex And Imagine That It Lasted For Over 10 Minutes

SE103: Fall Semester: You Can Use A Bed For More Than Just Sleep Spring Semester: It's Okay To Do It Outside Of The Bedroom

SE104: How To Say "Yes" More Often

SE105: How To Say "No" But Really Mean "Yes"

SE106: Lingerie - The Gift That Keeps On Giving

SE107: Sexual Alternatives For "That Time Of The Month" (formerly called "Any Old Port In A Storm")

SE108: Foreplay (not a required course, for extra credit only)

[BC]

When She Says................................................ She Really Means

No..................................................................... Yes.

Of course I'm not upset........................................ Of course I'm upset, you moron!

Bob and I are seeing each other............................ Bob and I are having sex.

I feel I've known you my whole life......................... I'm drunk.

Will you respect me in the morning?...................... You won't tell your friends, will you?

I never do this on my first date.............................. I always do this on my first date.

Don't touch me there............................................. Touch me there, but I'm going to stop you the first few times.

You're...so manly.................................................. You need to shave and you sweat a lot.

Hello? Oh yes. Didn't we meet at the bar................. Friday night?.... I've been waiting by the phone for thre days

Let's not talk "commitment". Let's just see what happens...... I'm not taking any birth control pills.

You're certainly lovely tonight.................................. Is sex all you ever think about?

I can't believe you're here. It must be fate................. I've been following you all day.

I'm particular who I have sex with.............................. I draw the line at barnyard animals.

I'm not emotional and, I'm not over-reacting................ I'm having my period.

I hope you're not disappointed................................... I'm flat chested.

Want to come upstairs for a nightcap?....................... Want to come upstairs and have sex?

Just come upstairs for a drink.................................. Maybe if I get you drunk you'll have sex with me.

I love a man who takes charge..................................You're picking up the bill, aren't you?

Be romantic...turn out the lights............................... I have flabby thighs.

A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman who is shopping on Rodeo Drive and

said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."

She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Understanding a woman

We need REALLY MEANS I want

You want REALLY MEANS You need

It's your decision REALLY MEANS The correct decision should be obvious by now.

We need to talk REALLY MEANS I need to complain

Do what you want REALLY MEANS You'll pay for this later.

Sure... go ahead REALLY MEANS I don't want you to.

This kitchen is so inconvenient REALLY MEANS I want a new house.

You have to learn to communicate. REALLY MEANS Just agree with me.

I heard a noise REALLY MEANS I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? REALLY MEANS I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? REALLY MEANS I did something you're not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute. REALLY MEANS Be patient I'll be a while.

Am I a little fat? REALLY MEANS Tell me I'm beautiful.

I'm sorry. REALLY MEANS You'll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe? REALLY MEANS It's easy to fix, so get used to it.

I'm not yelling! REALLY MEANS Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

[BC]

A day at the zoo

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. Now try lifting your dress up your thighs...this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

The rules

The female always makes the rules.

The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

No male can possibly know all the rules.

If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all the rules.

The female is never wrong.

If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.

The female can change her mind at any given point in time for any reason.

The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female.

The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.

The female must not, under any circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

Any attempt by the male to document these rules could result in severe bodily harm.

If the female has PMS, all rules are null and void.

[Nagaya]

knof za srkolanje mi deluje odlično....

BC the morbid angel wanna be :photo:

[BC]

tejka, res sem vesel, da ti računalnik deluje :)

Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.

8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His

20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

probi osemko ;)

[Dadi]

Used to love her, :hmm: after your topic :grrr

Popravljeno November 17, 2006. Popravil Dadi

[Nagaya]

če se bo BC kdaj upal povedat vsaj del tega kar klamfa po forumu v živo, smo v zagati. :(

[BC]

:huh:

če se bom upal povedat tebi? ali komu?

me mogoče poznaš oz. iz česa sklepaš, da v živo ne ,,klamfam" isto kot po internetu?

in res ne vem zakaj bi bil kdo v zagati :?

saj večina mojega ,,klamfanja" je tako ali tako zajebancija, ostalo je pa samo moje trenutno mnenje (ki ga nikomur ne vsiljujem) - torej zakaj bi bil kdo v zagati?

[Nagaya]

uuuu

intrigantno ... :naughty:

od kje ga poznam? :photo:

[BC]

res hudo ,,intrigantno"...

:lol1:

[Ice]

probi osemko ;)

......in devetnajstko. :devil:

[Nagaya]

:yawn:

[Ice]

rise and shine, sleeping beauty. B)

[kekec III]

enakopravnost...

[BC]

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

[BC]

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

[BC]

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

If a woman insists on being called Ms, ask her if it stands for miserable.

Women are nothing but machines for producing children.

When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.

[Teya]

Kdaj so pa vsi tile postali na MS? :hmm:

[BC]

two days before the day after tommorow ;)

[Kruse]

Razlika med zeno in sluzbo? Je ni. Obe sesljata.

Aja, obstaja razlika. Ena seslja bolje kot druga.

In ponavadi je to boljše.

Bolje buler v riti, kot pest v gobcu?

Za babe je to jasno, za desce pa malo manj.

Zdej pa res grem. Se malo metat po stopnicah. Da si vsaj zobe razijem, ce imam ze glavo pretrdo.....

Hehe......

Vsaka peta zenska pada po stopnicah? Premalo, ce mene vprasas. Jest bi jih prefuku ko svinje. Ampak mene noben ne vprasa za mnenje. Razen sefov (in sefice) Seveda takrat, ko jih moram poslati v kurac.

Ko delam, nimam casa za zajebancijo.

Ko se zajebavam, imam cas za vse.

Kdo je zdej kle multitasking, a, svinja?

Eh, itaq.....

[BC]

...