Drugi stosi III

[punK]

v vrsto pa čakat! :D :lol:

[AlterMann]

Uciteljica pita decu: "Sta znaci rec OCIGLEDNO?"

Javlja se mali Marko :"Pa, drugarice uciteljice, evo ovako... Moj tata

vozi MERCEDES, mama vozi OPEL KADET, a baka vozi DZIP - OCIGLEDNO - mi

imamo para!"

Uciteljica :"Bravo, Marko, odlicno si ovo objasnio! Da vidimo dalje, ko

se javlja? Perica! 'Ajde, Perice, objasni nam ti, sta znaci rec OCIGLEDNO?"

Perica:"Moja baka svako jutro ide na livadu. Ispod leve ruke nosi

ALGEMAJNE CAJTUNG, a ispod desne VASINGTON POST."

Uciteljica (zbunjeno) :"I onda, Perice?"

Perica:"Pa, nista. Baba ne zna nemacki, a nema ni pojma sa engleskim -

OCIGLEDNO - ide da SERE!!!"

[SiR]

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,

created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, with smart wit,

using a knife, he gave it a slit,

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,

with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,

Third was a tailor, tall and thin,

by using red velvet, he lined it within,

Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,

with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,

Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,

threw in a fish and gave it a smell,

Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee,

touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee,

Last was a sailor, dirty little runt,

who sucked it and fucked it, and called it a cunt.

[SiR]

FEMALE PRAYER:

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong,

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me no end,

and never attempt to hit on my friend.

Amen.

MALE PRAYER:

Oh Lord, send me a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge

boobs who owns a

liquor

store.

Amen

[SiR]

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The

driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the

Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls?

I've got one in my Yugo!"

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."

The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too?

I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a

refrigerator."

The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in

there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I

have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the

world!"

The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in

there,

too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped

away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a

bed be installed in the back of the Rolls.

The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed

looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly

a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove

all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the

windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and

knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and

knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the

Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said,

"You got me out of the shower for that?"

[SiR]

Dođe Janez do Muje i kaze: Hajde mujo reci dva!

Mujo kaze: Dva!

Janez mu odgovori: j*ebote bosna sva! haha, jeste vi bosanci glupi.

Kaze opet Janez Muji: Haj reci tri!

Mujo: Tri!

Janez mu kaze: j*ebote bosanci svi! haha, jeste vi bosanci glupi.

A onda dođe Mujo do Janeza i kaze: Janez, haj reci cetiri.

kaze Janez: Cetiri

A Mujo mu odgovori: J*ebem ti mater :)

[SiR]

Došla cura u mesaru i pita mesara:

- "Da li možda imate nožice."

Mesar je pogleda i reče joj:

- "Jok, eto stojim na kurcu."

[kekec III]

Dva policista se v prostem času srečata v Tivoliju. Eden je imel lepo žensko kolo. "Oh, kako lepo kolo imaš! Koliko si pa plačal zanj?" "Nič! Včeraj zvečer sem patruljiral po parku, ko se je na tem kolesu pripeljala lepotica. Zaustavila se je ob meni, prislonila kolo na drevo in se popolnoma slekla. Potem mi je rekla, da od nje lahko dobim vse, kar si zaželim. In jaz sem si izbral kolo." "Dobro si izbral! Njena obleka ti itak ne bi bila prav!"

[kekec III]

Djevojka, 24 godine, visoka, zgodna, plava kosa, crne oci, zaposlena, bogata,

trazi musku osobu slicnih osobina kome bi

prodala 10 m bukovih greda...

[AlterMann]

Prostitutke stojijo na cesti in čakajo stranke. Mimo pride starejša

gospa in jih vpraša: "Ja, punčke, kaj pa delate na cesti?"

"Čakamo, da bo tovornjak pripeljal pomaranče!" se je oglasila ena.

"Potem se bom pa še jaz postavila v vrsto!" je rekla starka in se ustavila.

Mimo je prišel policist, jo zagledal med prostitutkami in presenečeno

vzkliknil: "Kaj, mamca, ali vi tudi?"

"Seveda! Brez problema! Samo protezo si snamem pa jih lahko še cuzam!"

[Klo]

En dusevno prizadet se poroci.

Po 4 1/2 mesecih dobi njegova zena otroka.

On zacuden: "To ne tima!"

Ona: "Kaj ne stima? Jaz 4 1/2 mesece, ti 4 1/2 mesece je 9 mesecev, to pomeni da stima!!!"

On: "Tima."

Po 2 letih rodi zena crnega otroka.

On spet: "To ne tima!"

Ona: "Zakaj? Otroka sva naredila ponoci. Ce si hotel imeti belega, bi ga morala podnevi."

On: "Tima."

Nekega dne se on zbudi in zagleda na koncu postelje izpod odeje gledati 6 nog.

On njej: "To ne tima!"

Ona: "Ti si pa res smotan! Vstani in prestej noge od zunaj!"

On ven iz postelje: "1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - tima!"

tima!?!?!?

:lol1:

[Klo]

Leži zajc pod drevesom, okoli njega 1000 praznih flaš, pa se pripele do njega lisica na Kawasakiju

Zajc: Hik, opa Lijo, đe s ba upecala motor?

Lisica: Ja ne pijem, ne kadim, pa našparam

čez nekaj dni (mesecev, let.. kdo bi točno vedel)

Leži zajc pod drevesom, okoli njega 1000000 praznih flaš, pa se pripele do njega lisica v Mecedesu S klase

Zajc: Hik, hik opa Lijo, đe s ba hik upecala ovolika kola?

Lisica: Ja ne pijem, ne kadim, pa našparam pa kupim

naslednji dan

Lisica glanca motor in Merđota pred brlogom, pa fijuuuuu, Zajc u letalu naredi en luping pa pristane

Lisica: Ej p... zajc, ki spa dubu tak hud fliger!!!

Zajc: Eh hik, em.. Hik, embalažo sem vrnu.

[Alla]

Putovale Francuskinja, Njemica i Fata na godisnji odmor u Spaniju. Kad su

stigle na aerodrom dodje Francuskinja na carinsku kontrolu i carinik je

pita:

- "Dobar dan imate li sto za prijaviti?"

- "Nemam." odgovori ona.

Carinik ce na to:

- "Nadam se da nemate nista protiv da pogledam u vasu torbu."

Otvori, pogleda i u njoj nadje 6 pari tanga gacica.

- "Zasto bas 6?" upita je on.

- "Paa jedne za ponedeljak, jedne za utorak, jedne za srijeda, jedne za

cetvrtak, jedne za petak, jedne za subota a nedjelja je vive la France."

- "Ajde prolazi" odgovori on.

Dodje Njemica, opet sve isto samo sto je u njenoj torbi nasao osam

gacica.

- "Pita zasto bas osam?", a njemica ce na to:

- "Alzo ponedeljak, utorak, srijeda, cetvrtak, petak, subota, nedjelja,

und jedne ekstra jer nikad se ne zna".

Pusti i on nju da prodje. Dodje Fata na red, a u torbi 12 ogromnih

bijelih gaca. Pita nju carinik:

- "Pa dobro zasto bas 12?!!"

A Fata ce:

- "Pa bolan jedne za januar, pa onda februar, pa mart, april, maj...."

[Alla]

Še nekaj blontnih.........

Zakaj je dobro imeti blondinko za sovoznika?

Ker lahko kadarkoli parkiraą na prostoru za invalide.

Kaj dela blondinka z raząirjenimi nogami pred radiatorjem?

Vlaľi zrak.

Zakaj blondinke skačejo z nebotičnikov?

Preizkuąajo nove Always s krilci.

Zakaj blondinka pere perilo na dnu morja?

Ker Ariel pere globinsko.

Moľ kosi travo, ko privihra skozi vrata njegova blond ľena in stopi k

poątnemu nabiralniku. Odpre ga, pogleda noter, zaloputne in odvihra. Moľ

kosi dalje, ko spet privihra ľena, stopi k nabiralniku, ga odpre, pogleda

in ąe bolj jezno zaloputne. Moľ ľe skoraj konča s koąnjo, ko njegova ľena

ąe tretjič privihra k nabiralniku. Spet ga odpre, pogleda in zaloputne ąe z

večjo jezo. Moľ jo vpraąa, če je kaj narobe.

"Seveda je! Ta butasti računalnik mi venomer poąilja sporočilo, da sem

prejela poąto!" mu odvrne.

Kako blondinka reąuje kriľanko?

1. Svečana obleka (4 črke)...................ČRNA

2. Vrsta ľivali s hiąko (4 črke)..............KU®A

3. ®enin brat (4 črke)............................TONE

4. Neozdravljiva bolezen (4 črke).........SMRT

5. Moľ od vrane (6 črk)...................VRANEC

6. Del jedilnega pribora (3 črke)..............ZOB

7. Najmanjąe trimestno ątevilo (3 črke)....000

8. Mera za teľo (4 črke)........................UTE®

9. Najbolj zdrava pijača (4 črke)............PIVO

10. Hladno oroľje (3 črke)......................TOP

11. Neozdravljiva bolezen (3 črke).........KAP

12. Kokoąji proizvod (5 črk)...............OBARA

13. Mera za dragocenost (5 črk)........DENAR

14. Sestrin moľ (4 črke).......................DARE

15. Biblijska oseba (5 črk)...................PAPE®

16. Začetnici pesnika ®upančiča...............P®

17. Zlato.....................................................ZL

18. Kisik.......................................................K

19. Hladno oroľje (6 črk)...................PALICA

20. Doľivetje med spanjem (3 črke)........SEX

[AlterMann]

:lol1:

[Klo]

:naughty:

[kekec III]

Pivo

Uvijek sam bio zastupnik "derneka" po kucama, naravno onih sastavljenih

iskljucivo od pripadnika muskog roda. Uoci Nove godine smo se ponovo okupili i

razgovarali o svemu i svacemu, sve dok jedan od nas nije upitao:"Znate li da

sam negdje procitao da u pivi ima zenskih hormona?" Buduci da svatko od nas

ima skrivenog naucnika u sebi, odlucili smo provjeriti da li je ova izjava

bila tocna ili ne. Tako smo zasjeli i popili jedno dvadesetak piva (naravno

sve u interesu nauke). A sada slijede rezultati ovog eksperimenta, znaci

poslije 20 tura piva ispitivanja su pokazala da:

A) Svi smo se udebljali.

B) Svi smo u isti glas pricali, bez da bilo sto konkretno kazemo.

C) Naravno, nitko nije slusao sta onaj drugi govori.

D) Imali smo poteskoca da vozimo ispravno.

E) Nemoguce je bilo da racionalno razmotrimo stvari, ma koliko one jednostavne

bile.

F) Izricito smo negirali da smo pogrijesili, premda je bilo evidentno da

jesmo.

G) Svakih 5 minuta smo isli u toalet, naravno svi skupa.

Mislim da je pretpostavka dokazana...

PIVA JE PREPUNA ZENSKIH HORMONA!!!

[SiR]

oglas v nekem angleškem oglasniku...

hmnja, očitno si je oblikovalec/ilustrator malo privoščil, kajti če prvotni oglas obrnemo na glavo in prekrijemo glavo gospe, ki pije vino, dobimo nek drug kader :)

[Kaiser]

:lol1: In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first

witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains

to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper

pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a

youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three

different women. Yes, I know him."

The defence attorney almost died!

At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both

counsellors to the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you

bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."

[Dirkac]

[bauca]

:lol1:

[AlterMann]

Murphyjevi zakoni s slovenskih cest:

I. Vozilo, ki vam ga je po večkratnih vztrajnih naporih le uspelo prehiteti, bo na prvem naslednjem izvozu zapeljalo s ceste.

II. Stopnja vaše pripravljenosti, da tokrat ne boste pili alkohola in boste domov prišli popolnoma trezni, je obratnosorazmerna s številom policijskih kontrol, ki ta dan preverjajo treznost.

III. Policist ponavadi stori najmanj strokovnih napak ravno takrat, ko ste najbolj prekoračili hitrost in vam grozi najhujša kazen.

IV. Novejše, kvalitetnejše in dražje zimske gume kot imate, manj je možnosti, da bo to zimo obilneje snežilo. Dopolnilo I. Zagotovo pa ne bo snežilo, če boste prav zaradi tega kupili vozilo s štirikolesnim pogonom.

V. Najboljši sogovornik, s kupom zanimivih tem za pogovor, vas na mobilni telefon nikoli ne pokliče, ko stojite v prometnem zamašku ali udobno vozite po ravni avtocesti.

VI. Čas v minutah, ki ga lovite, da še pridete pravočasno na cilj, je število voznic, ki se ta trenutek znajdejo pred vami, na kvadrat.

VII. Na katerikoli prometni pas se boste v zastoju premaknili, se bo drugi premikal hitreje.

IX. Najbolj budna policijska kontrola vedno stoji na mestu, kjer cesta postane ravna in pregledna in ste ravno pospešili hitrost.

X. Najbolj ugodno možnost nakupa avtomobila, z najbolj ugodno ceno in plačilnimi pogoji, opazite tisti trenutek, ko ste svoj novi avto že registrirali.

XI. Nasprotni promet bo vedno prenehal na tistem delu ceste, kjer se na vozišču prične neprekinjena ločilna črta. Dodatek 1: če se vam hkrati tudi močno mudi, poglejte naokoli .., opazili boste še znak za omejitev hitrosti in budno policijsko patruljo.

[SiR]

Ona: Oce, psovala sam Boga

Pop: Nema razloga da psujes Boga, a zasto si ti psovala?

Ona: Pa jedan muskarac me je poljubio

Pop: A je li to napravio ovako ... i pop ju poljubi

Ona: Da, tako je bilo

Pop: To nije razlog da psujes Boga!

Ona: Ali onda me je i pipao

Pop: A je li to napravio ovako ... i pop pocne slatati

Ona: Da, tako je bilo

Pop: To nije razlog da psujes Boga!

Ona: Ali onda sam mu i pusila

Pop: A je li to bilo ovako ... ohrebren poljupcem pop izvadi...

Ona: Da, tako je bilo

Pop: To nije razlog da psujes Boga!

Ona: Ali onda smo se poj ebali

Pop: A je li to bilo ovako ... jedva doceka pop i obavi posao.

Ona: Da, tako je bilo

Pop: To nije razlog da psujes Boga!

Ona: Ali onda mi je rekao da ima sidu

Pop: AAAAUUUUU JEBO TI BOG MATER!!!

[Kaiser]

:devil: MOLIM ZA:

Mudrost, da razumijem mog muškarca,

Ljubav da mu oprostim,

Strpljenje za njegova raspoloženja,

JER, BOŽE, AKO TE BUDEM MOLILA ZA SNAGU,

PREBIČU GA NAMRTVO

AMEN

[marem]

Pride cigo © na zavod za zaposlovanje in tam pravi tipu (T)

C: dobar dan jez bi pa eno službo meu!

T: ok mam tle eno stvar, naokrog boš moral vozit eno nimfomanko od tipa do tipa, vmes jo boš pa moral še ti po 3 x na dan

C: :kva1: res???? a se zajebavaš??

T: KVA sej si ti začel !!! :naughty: :naughty:

:OK: