Drugi stosi III

[AlterMann]

:rolleyes:

[AlterMann]

:hmm:

[SiR]

Jao nama sa ženama

-----

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing

with women.

Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works.

Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: make the woman

happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes

and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed +1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets -1

You leave the toilet seat up -5

You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty 0

When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex -1

When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom -2

You go out to buy her tampons +5

in the snow +8

but return with beer -5

and no tampons -25

You check out a suspicious noise at night

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something +5

You pummel it with a six iron +10

It's her cat -40

AT THE PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party 0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college

drinking buddy -2

Named Tiffany -4

Tiffany is a dancer -10

With breast implants -18

HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday

You buy a card and flowers 0

You take her out to dinner 0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar +1

Okay, it is a sports bar -2

And it's all-you-can-eat night -3

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted

the colours of your favourite team -10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go with a pal

The pal is happily married +1

The pal is single -7

He drives a Ferrari -10

With a personalised license plate (GR8 NBED)-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

You take her to a movie +2

You take her to a movie she likes +4

You take her to a movie you hate +6

You take her to a movie you like -2

It's called Death Cop III-3

Which features Cyborgs that eat humans -9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans -15

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable pot belly -15

You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it +10

You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy

Hawaiian shirts -30

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." -800

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem:

You listen, displaying a concerned expression 0

You listen, for over 30 minutes +5

You relate to her problem and share a similar experience +50

You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well,

what do you think I should do?" -100

ITS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH.......

You talk -100

You don't talk-150

You spend time with her -200

You don't spend time with her -500

You are seen to be enjoying yourself- GAME OVER - YOU LOSE

[Ice]

> A cannibal goes to the human meat market to buy a brain for his lunch.

> He sees a little poster that boasts about the quality of IT

> professional brains that are currently on sale. He asks the sales

> assistant: "How much does the programmer's brain cost?"

> "Three dollars per kilo" replies the salesman.

> "How much for an analyst's brain then?"

> "Three dollars and fifty cents per kilo"

> "What about the user's brain?"

> "One hundred and fifty dollars per kilo."

> "What? How can it cost that much?" he asks, astonished. The salesman

> replies "Do you have any idea how many users I have to kill to get one

> kilo of brain?"

[AlterMann]

:rolleyes:

[AlterMann]

:hmm:

[AlterMann]

Na mladih svet stoji.

[Klo]

Se srečata Hrvat in Slovenec in se zapleteta v pogovor:

Hrvat: Danes sem sanjal, da je cel Piran naą, da smo osvojil Trdinov vrh, da smo vam zaprli dostop do mednarodnega morja, . . .

Slovenec: Jaz sem pa sanjal, da sem bil v Zagrebu. Povsod se je plesalo, jedlo, pilo, veselilo in celo mesto je bilo ovito v plakate.

Hrvat: in kaj je pisalo na njih?

Slovenec: Nisem prebral, ker ne znam cirilice!

[Kaiser]

Zakaj so zenske bolj eroticne kot moski?

women.zip

[AlterMann]

POPOLN DAN ZANJO:

08.15 Se zbudi. Poljubljanje in objemanje

08.30 Tehta 2kg manj kot dan prej

08.45 Zajtrk v postelji. Svez pomarancen sok in francoski rogljicek

09.15 Prijetna topla kopel z etericnim oljem

10.00 Aerobika z ocarljivim, zabavnim osebnim trenerjem

10.30 Masaza obraza, manikura, pranje glave, cesanje

12.00 Kosilo z najboljso prijateljico v prijetnem lokalu

12.45 Sreca zeno bivsega fanta. Ta se je zredila za 15kg

13.00 Nakupovanje s prijateljicami

15.00 Pocitek v postelji

16.00 Cvetlicar prinese ducat vrtnic. Posilja jih skrivnostni obozevalec

16.15 Aerobika po kateri sledi nezna masaza

17.30 Izbira obleko za vecerjo. Make up.

19.30 Romanticna vecerja za dva ob soju svec. Sledi ples

22.00 Tusiranje. Sama

22.30 Ljubljenje

23.00 Pogovor v postelji med rjuhami. Crkljanje

23.15 Zaspi v njegovem objemu

POPOLN DAN ZANJ:

06.00 Zbudi ga alarm

06.15 Fafanje

06.30 Medtem ko serje prebere sportno stran

07.00 Zajtrk. Kranjska klobasa, krompir z ocvirki, kava

07.30 Pride limuzina

07.45 Popije dva Heinekena na poti do letalisca

08.15 Privatno letalo ga odpelje v Portoroz

08.45 Limuzina ga odpelje v Casino

09.00 V Casinu priigra 5.000.000,00 ITL

11.45 Kosilo. Ostrige in liter Refoska

12.30 Fafanje

12.45 V Casinu priigra 10.000.000,00 ITL

14.15 Limuzina ga odpelje na letalisce

14.30 Privatno letalo ga odpelje na Ibizo. Med poletom spi

15.15 Ekskurzija pokrajine s topless vodickami

17.30 Privatno letalo ga odpelje domov

19.30 Gleda porocila. Zlatko Zahovic postane clan Lazia

20.00 Vecerja. Jastog in 1963 Dom Perignon

21.00 Pocitek po vecerji z 1289 Auger Cognac-om in kubansko cigaro

22.00 Seks z dvema osemnajstletnima nimfomankama

23.00 Masaza

23.45 Se uleze v posteljo

23.50 Spusti 12 sekund dolg prdec. Gleda kako pes zapusca sobo

23.55 Z nasmeskom na obrazu zaspi

[AlterMann]

:grupni:

[SiR]

The best of "Hrvatski telefonski imenik"

Ak ne vjerujete potražite u imeniku!!!

01 2946 220 - BEČAR ŠAHDO

01 2993 430 - GEGIĆ GEGA

01 3375 404 - ČIKA ĐORĐE

01 3631 707 - HADŽIDERVIŠAGIĆ DŽEZBEDARA

01 6258 465 - LEŠINA VESELA

01 6640 750 - MAMUTI SELIM

01 6678 765 - DEGEN ERIKA

021 389 032 - ĐOKOVIĆ KITICA

021 635 377 - ŠĆEPANOVIĆ KITA

021 741 925 - BISER ŠERIF

021 863 048 - ZLOĆO MLAĐI

022 662 250 - ČETNIK OJDANA

032 322 314 - SILOV ANNA

034 263 157 - PIŠA KATICA

035 375 326 - JAJALO PILE

042 311 277 - FUKSA MIRA

044 682 419 - RADI ĐON

044 815 166 - ALIMI NAĐI

047 553 050 - KLISKA MICA

048 638 353 - GUZI DRAGA

049 289 402 - ŠTAKOR IVAN-TARZAN

051 643 722 - ŠUPAK RADOVAN

051 725 980 - CURI ĐON

051 775 489 - BILALI NEBI

052 210 412 - MOŠNJA-ŠKARE LORENA

052 211 884 - CERVENI MERCEDES

052 451 069 - TIKVINA JAGODA

052 543 548 - RAZBOJNIKOV SPAS

052 812 979 - KENJAR ISMET

[SiR]

>DOKAZ DA JE SVIJET LUD (kao da nam za to treba dokaz!)

>

>

>

>U Libanonu muškarcima je zakonom dozvoljeno imati seks sa

>životinjama, ali

>životinje moraju biti ženke. Seksualni odnosi sa životinjom

>muškog spola

>kažnjivi su smrću.

>

>(Kao da TO čini razliku.)

>

>

>

>U Bahreinu doktor muškog spola po zakonu može pregledati

>ženske genitalije,

>ali mu je zabranjeno tokom pregleda gledati direktno u njih. Samo može

>gledati odraz u ogledalu.

>

>(Da li drugačije izgledaju kad je u pitanju odraz?)

>

>

>

>Muslimanima je zabranjeno gledati u genitalije leša. To se

>pravilo odnosi i

>na pogrebnike. Organi preminulog moraju biti stalno pokriveni

>ciglom ili

>komadom drveta.

>

>(Ciglom??)

>

>

>

>U Indoneziji je kazna za masturbaciju odsjecanje glave.

>

>

>

>U Guamu postoje muškarci kojima je posao putovati zemljom i vršiti

>defloraciju mladih djevica, koje plačaju za privilegiju da

>prvi put imaju

>seks...

>

>Razlog: Po zakonima Guama, djevicama je striktno zabranjeno da

>se udaju.

>

>(Zamislimo se na sekundu; da li bilo gdje drugdje u svijetu

>postoji bilo

>kakav posao koji je makar malo blizu ovog?)

>

>

>

>U Hong Kongu, prevarena žena po zakonu može ubiti svog

>nevjernog muža, ali

>samo ukoliko to učini golim rukama. S druge strane, muževljeva

>ljubavnica

>može biti ubijena na bilo koji željeni način.

>

>(Ah! Pravda!)

>

>

>

>U Liverpulu, zakon dozvoljava prodavačicama da budu u toplesu,

>ali samo u

>dućanima tropskim ribica.

>

>(Pa naravno!)

>

>

>

>U Kaliju, Kolumbija, žena se može seksati isključivo sa svojim

>mužem, a u

>toku prvog puta njena majka mora biti u sobi kako bi

>prisustvovala činu.

>

>(Svako bi zadrhtao i od same pomisli.)

>

>

>

>U Santa Kruzu, Bolivija, muškarcima je zakonom zabranjeno da u

>isto vrijeme

>imaju seks sa ženom i njenom kćerkom.

>

>(Izgleda da je problem bio dovoljno prisutan, čim su morali

>donijeti ovaj

>zakon?)

>

>

>

>U Merilendu, zakonom nije dozvoljena prodaja kondoma iz automata osim u

>slijedećem slučaju: Prezervativi se mogu prodavati putem automata "na

>mjestima gdje se alkoholna pića prodaju u istom prostoru."

>

>(Zar to nije divna zemlja? Ipak, nije divna kao Guam!)

>

>

>

>Mrav može podignuti teret 50 puta teži od vlastite težine,

>može vući teret

>30 puta teži od vlastite težine, i kada je pijan uvijek pada na desnu

>stranu.

>

>(Nakon što je popio male flašice pića zvanog ...? Kako je

>vlada platila za

>ovo istraživanje??)

>

>

>

>I, najbolje za kraj..... Kornjače mogu disati kroz svoju stražnjicu.

>

>(Da li mislite da imaju neugodan zadah?)

[AlterMann]

:lol1:

[AlterMann]

Prepuna plaza, mali Esad otplivao dosta daleko od obale.

Ustane njegova mama i vikne

"Esade nemoj plivati tako daleko! Mogo bi te grc uvatit!!"

Par sekundi kasnije ustane neka zena pet metara dalje i vikne svome

sinu: "Samire, ne idi tako daleko, tamo ima grceva!"

[AlterMann]

Pravijo, da bo letos huda zima.

[kekec III]

Cuvala mati kcer 18 godina i kad je ovoj bio rodjendan ova ti nju

posavjetuje:

"Sad cu te pustit, ali moras pazit na neke stvari: Kad nadjes muskarca

kao prvo mora biti stedljiv, kao drugo mora biti glup i kao trece mora

biti nevin."

Ode ti kcer i nema ti nje tri dana. Vratila se sva usplahirena i veli:

"Mati nasla sam ga. Odem ti ja u disko i pridje ti meni momak, uhvati me

za ruku i u hotel.

Umjesto da uzme dvokrevetnu sobu on uzme jednokrevetnu, znaci stedljiv

je.

Umjesto da mi stavi jastuk pod glavu, on mi ga stavi pod guzicu, znaci

glup je.

Ali i nevin je mati, kad ga je izvadio, on nov u celofanu neotpakovan."

[AlterMann]

Haso: Mujo, imam dvije vijesti; jednu losu i jednu jos losiju; koju hoces prvo?

Mujo: Daj probaj mi nekako reci obje zajedno, kao jednu.

Haso: Neko nam jebe tvoju zenu. :hmm:

[kekec III]

Na mednarodnem kongresu zaljubljenih lingvistik predlagajo,kako z izbranimi

besedami reči tiču.

Nemka predlaga: Po mojem naj bo zastor: To vse pove in se ne da zmotiti: Pade

po vsakem dejanju!

Angležinja: Mi mu rečemo gentelman. To vse pove in se ne da zmotiti: Stoji pred

vsako damo!

Francozinja: Pri nas se mu reče opravljivec: Gre od ust do ust...

Slovenka: Mi mu rečemo partizan. Nobeden ne ve, kdaj pride, pa tudi tega ne,

al' od spredaj al' od zad'!

[Pravokotar]

Manager gre na redni letni check-up.

Čez par dni dobi na dom pismo z izvidi

Za vas imamo dve novici. Slabo in še slabšo. Slaba novica je, da vam je preostalo samo še 24 ur življenja. Še slabša je ta, da smo vam to skušali že včeraj sporočiti po telefonu, pa žal niste bili dosegljivi.

[Alla]

...

[Alla]

TELEFONSKE TAJNICE

1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why

we're not here. So, leave a message.

3. Hi. This is John:

If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.

If you are my parents, please send money.

If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.

If you are my friends, you owe me money.

If you are female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

4. Hi. Now you say something.

5. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you

can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

6. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

7. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon.

If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner!

8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.

Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself

with one of these magnets.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving

messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and

their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office

and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me,

leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

10. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic

thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name,

your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about

returning your call.

11. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.

Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

12. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.

Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you

back.

13. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our

weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we

probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.

14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain

silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by

us.

15. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our

teeth we'll get back to you.

NEW -"We're sorry we can't come to the phone right now, but if you

leave your name and home phone number after the tone, we'll

return your call in the middle of your dinner.

[SiR]

Če hoče gospodična žurat, mora doma izpolniti formular:

APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE GIRLS

Name of Girlfriend/Fiancé/Partner/Wife:

I’m going out.

Signed: (me)______________

[SiR]

Če gre žurat ON, mora podpisati tole:

-------------

APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband: s

I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest authority in my life for the following period:

Time of return

Date:

Time of departure:

NOT to exceed:

Should permission be granted, I do solemnly swear to only visit the locations stated below, at the stated times. I agree to refrain from hitting on or flirting with other women. I shall not even speak to another female, except as expressly permitted in writing below. I will not turn off my mobile after two pints, nor shall I consume above the allowed volume of alcohol without first phoning for a taxi AND calling you for a verbal waiver of said alcohol allowance. I understand that even if permission is granted to go out, my girlfriend/fiancé/wife retains the right to be pissed off with me the following week for no valid reason whatsoever.

Amount of alcohol allowed (units)

Beer

Wine

Liquor

Total_____________________

Locations to be visited

Females with whom conversationis permitted:

IMPORTANT – STRIPPER CLAUSE: Notwithstanding the female contact permitted above, I promise to refrain from coming within one hundred (100) feet of a stripper or exotic dancer. Violation of this Stripper Clause shall be grounds for immediate termination of the relationship.

I acknowledge my position in life. I know who wears the trousers in our relationship, and I agree it’s not me. I promise to abide by your rules & regulations. I understand that this is going to cost me a fortune in chocolates & flowers. You reserve the right to obtain and use my credit cards whenever you wish to do so. I hereby promise to take you to a Michael Bolton concert, should I not return home by the approved time. On my way home, I will not pick a fight with any stranger, nor shall I conduct in depth discussions with the said entity. Upon my return home, I promise not to urinate anywhere other than in the toilet. In addition, I will refrain from waking you up, breathing my vile breath in your face, and attempting to breed like a (drunken) rabbit.

I declare that to the best of my knowledge (of which I have none compared to my BETTER half), the above information is correct.

Signed - Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:

Request is: APPROVED DENIED

This decision is not negotiable. If approved, cut permission slip below and carry at all times.

--> tukaj odrezati --> …………………………………………………………………

Permission for my boyfriend/fiancé/husband to be away for the following period of time:

Date: Time of departure: Time of return:

Signed – Girlfriend/Fiancé/Wife:

[Ice]

inteligentno clovesko zivo bitje v USA?

turist.