Drugi stosi III

[AlterMann]

Donald Rumsfeld died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter

at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,

"What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.

Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your

clock will move."

"Oh," said Rumsfeld, "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she

never told a lie."

"Incredible," said Rumsfeld. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have

moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked Rumsfeld.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[AndY1]

The following is a history of the world from the Egyptians to the beginning

of the First World War, " pasted together from real sentences written by

students on history exams in the U.S." (including the little-known and

rather discomforting suggestion that "Sir Francis Drake circumcised the

world with a 100-foot clipper")...

Student History

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah

Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the

inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are

cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the

shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between

France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of

the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of

their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to

sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his

brother's birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons

to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons,

Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses

led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread

made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide

to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing

the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in

Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500

porcupines.

Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented

three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had

myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles

dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears

in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which

Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey.

Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people

advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits,

and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The

government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into

their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so

high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing.

When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the

Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people

Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman

banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished

himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because

they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who

would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King

Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before

the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw,

and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the

Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same

offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest

writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also

wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow

through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of

their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at

Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being

excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the

female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of

great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter

Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another

important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake

circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found

walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth

was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth

exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her

navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a

great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.

His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the

Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress.

When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came

down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs

carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed,

along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of

1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies

were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks

in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the

post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was

throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks

crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for

taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented

Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two

singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston

carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm.

He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse

divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still

dead.

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the

Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was

adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people

enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother

died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own

hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said,

"In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address

while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.

He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment

gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and

lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14,

1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the

actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes

Booth, a supposed insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire

invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was

invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the

apples are falling off the trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.

Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large.

Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he

was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the

forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827

and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was

accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of

the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the

Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes.

Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's

flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and

unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine

was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is

in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest

queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally

the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was

the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and

thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to

spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the

work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis

Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who

wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And

Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a

surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

[AlterMann]

Perica: 'Mama, ajde da se igramo mame i tate!'

Majka zgranuta, brže bolje otrča do najbližeg psihologa. Kada mu je izložila

problem, ovaj joj objasni da to nije ništa strašno i da može da se igra sa

detetom, ali naravno, samo do izvesne granice.

Kada se vratila kuci, Perica ju je čekao sa istim zahtevom.

Perica: 'Mama, hoču da se igramo mame i tate!'

Mama: 'Dobro sine, igračemo se mame i tate.'

Perica: 'OK, idi u spavaču sobu spremi se i čekaj me.'

Majka zbunjena, seti se lekarovog saveta i odluči da prihvati igru, te ode u

sobu. Skine se i leže u krevet. Posle pet minuta kvaka se pokrene i u

vratima se pojavi Perica.

Perica: 'Šta je kurvo? Samo na kurac misliš?! Ajde oblači se pa idemo da

detetu kupimo bicikl!'

[AlterMann]

Posljednja Isusova poruka Dalmatincima:

- ''Ne radite ništa dok se ne vratim!!''

[Thundercat]

Vklopite zvočnike in kliknite spodnji link....

Fuck!

[RAF]

UFFFFFF!!!!

[AlterMann]

Učiteljica je v šoli dala učencem za šolsko nalogo

spis s pomenljivim naslovom: Mačka ima devet življenj.

Treba je bilo ugotoviti najprej kaj se skriva za tem

pregovorom. Janezek je grizel pero in premišljeval,

kaj tiči zadaj. Končno se je spomnil in je začel

pisati:

Moja sestra in njen fant sta ves čas sedela v dnevni

sobi in klepetala. Potem je njen fant ugasnil luč in

oba sta se začela poljubljati. Mislim, da je postalo

sestri pri tem slabo, ker ji je segel fant z roko pod

bluzo, da bi čutil, če ji se bije srce. Ravno tako kot

to vedno dela stric, ki je zdravnik. Toda ni bil tako

dober kot stric, ki je zdravnik, kajti imel je velike

težave. Ni znal najti srca in je mečkal kar dolgo časa

naokrog. Jaz mislim, da je sestri od tega celo postalo

slabo, ker je kar naenkrat začela zelo težko dihati.

Zaradi tega ni mogla več sedeti in oba sta se ulegla

na kavč. Potem je sestra dobila se vročino. To vem

čisto zagotovo, ker je sama rekla kako grozno ji je

vroče. Zdaj mi je bilo tudi jasno, zakaj se je njen

fant ulegel zraven nje na kavč. Obema je bilo slabo od

te grozne vročine. Tudi sem dognal odkod ta vročina

izvira, zaradi katere je bilo obema tako slabo. Iz

jajc njenega fanta se je izvalila namreč velikanska

glista. Videl sem kako je zlezla iz odpetih hlač in se

postavila pokonci skoraj navpično. Kaj takega se

nikoli nisem videl. Bila je najman 20 cm dolga.

Grozila je, da bo se naprej lezla in se večala, ko jo

je fant uspel nekako potlačiti nazaj, tako da ni mogla

več lesti naprej. Ko je sestra videla strašno glisto

jo je postalo močno strah. Dobila je velike oči in je

gledala s široko odprtimi usti. Toda sestra je bila na

vsak način zelo pogumna. Rekla je samo se, o Devica

Marija usmili se me, nakar je skušala glisto ubiti.

Potegnila jo je ponovno ven, dala v usta in jo

ugriznila za vrat. Nato ji je nameravala verjetno

izsesati kri. Naenkrat pa je sestra dala iz sebe

smesen grgrajoč glas in jo izpustila. Verjetno jo je

glista ugriznila nazaj. Potem jo je sestra ponovno

zagrabila in jo močno držala, medtem ko je fant iz

žepa vzel nagobočnik in ga glisti nataknil na glavo.

Verjetno zato, da ne bi mogla več gristi in pljuvati.

Sestra se je ulegla na hrbet in siroko razsirila noge

in fant se je ulegel tudi nanjo. Očitno sta jo hotela

med sabo kot valjar zmečkati. Toda glista se je borila

kot nora, oba sta ječala in stokala, da je bilo joj.

Borila sta s tako silo, da bi se kavč skoraj prevrnil.

Po dolgi in strasni borbi sta naekrat oba utihnila in

obmirovala na kavču. Vedel sem, zdaj je glista mrtva.

To sem vedel skoraj zagotovo, kajti visela je mlahavo

in visela je ven ze njena drobovina. Sestra in njen

fant sta bila na smrt utrujena, toda vseeno sta se

poljubljala se naprej. Menim da od veselja, ker sta

premagala to strašno žival. Toda kakšen šok! Glista ni

bila se mrtva, ampak je se živela!! Skočila je navzgor

in se spet začela boriti...To isto se je ponovilo se

nekajkrat, dokler moja sestra ni skočila nanjo in jo

je poskusala ubiti tako, da je svojo nabito zadnjico

silovito udarjala po glisti. Kljub temu je bila ta

šele po 35 minutni borbi končno mrtva. Fant je prijel

zdaj mrtvo glisto za ušesa in jo nesel v stranišče.

Tam jo je spustil v školjko in temeljito izpral z

vodo. Torej gliste imajo kot mačke devet življenj.

[nts]

leta

:D :lol:

[Alla]

Nakonkon dugog nagovaranja, muz je odveo zenu na prvu partiju golfa u

njezinom zivotu, i sto je bilo ocekivano njezin prvi udarac je zavrsio u prozoru predivne

kuce u blizini golf igralista.

Muz je poludio: "Upozorio sam te da budes oprezna, sad cemo morati

otici tamo,ispricati se i platiti stetu na prozoru"

I tako je par otisao do kuce i pokucao na vrata.

Iznutra se zacuo ugodan glas: "Udjite."

Kad su usli imali su sto vidjeti, ne samo da je prozor bio razbijen, i staklo posvuda po podu, nego se razbila i prekrasna antikna vaza.

Na naslonjacu je lezao mladji muskarac: "Da li ste vi par koji je razbio prozor?"

"Da, gospodine, strasno nam je zao"

"Oh, nije se potrebno ispricavati, Zapravo, ja sam Vam vrlo zahvalan.

Vidite, ja sam duh i bio sam zarobljen u toj vazi vise od 1000 godina. Sad kad

ste me oslobodili, mogu Vam ispuniti tri zelje.

Ako vam ne smeta svakome bih ispunio po jednu zelju, a zadnju bih ostavio za sebe.

"Oh, to je odlicno." kaze muz. Razmislio je na trenutak i rekao: " zelim miljun dolara svake godine do kraja moga zivota."

"Nema problema" rekao je duh. "To je najmanje sto mogu uciniti, uz to garantiram Vam dug i zdrav zivot."

"A sad vi gospodjo, sto vi zelite?". "zelim ogromnu kucu sa slugama u svakoj drzavi na svijetu," kaze

ona.

"Racunajte da je sredjeno" kaze duh. "I ne samo to, vas dom ce

uvijek biti siguran od pozara, provalnika i drugih prirodnih katastrofa."

" A sada, " kazu muz i zena zajedno, "koja je tvoja zelja?"

"Pa dobro, kako sam bio zarobljen vise od tisucu godina, moja Zelja je da imam sex sa

Vasom zenom."

Muz pogleda zenu i kaze, "Pa draga, znas da smo oboje bogati, imamo sve te kuce,

sto kazes?.

Ona je razmisljala trenutak i rekla, "Znas, nije mi svejedno, ali s obzirom na sve,

mogla bih to podnijeti, ali sto je s tobom dragi?"

"Draga, znas da te volim," kaze suprug.

"I tako duh i zena otisu uz stepenice, gdje su proveli ostatak dana uzivajuzi jedan u drugom. Duh je bio nezasitan. Nakon neka tri sata

non-stop sexa, duh se okrene i pogleda Zenu direktno u oci.

"Koliko godina imate ti i tvoj muµ?" - upita

"Pa oboje imamo oko 35 godina" odgovori žena.

"Bez zajebancije, 35 godina i jo± obadvoje vjerujete u duhove?"

[Alla]

COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She

noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She

immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved

again. The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,

she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man

(about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honour, it was like this:

When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but

notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said,

"The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,

"Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a sign that said,"

William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and

sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could

have prevented this Accident." I just lost it!

CASE DISMISSED

[AlterMann]

:rolleyes:

[lederman]

> > > Po letih napornega in dolgotrajnega dela

> > >so strokovnjaki na Fakulteti za matematiko univerze v Ljubljani, s

> > >pomočjo računalniaških in matematičnih fakultet iz celega Balkana

> > >končali projekt

> > >

> > >Balkanska DIGITALNA URA!

> > >

> > >Znanstveno delo, ki je trajalo 3 leta in je stalo

> > >več kot 160 milijonov evrov je največji projekt, ki je nastal v

> > >sodelovanju z bivašimi YU republikami idr. balk. državami od naše

> > >osamosvojitve naprej. Rezultat tega znanstvenega podviga lahko

> > >ob čudujete

> > >na naslednjem

> > >e-naslovu: http://www.yugop.com/ver3/stuff/03/fla.html

> > >In preveri dejanski čas, takrat ko to gleda?

[AlterMann]

Zvečer nekdo pozvoni na vrata zakonska para. Žena je doma in odpre vrata.

Zunaj stoji moški, ki žensko vpraša: "Ali znate seksati?"

Ženska je vsa iz sebe in mu pred nosom zaloputne vrata. Enako se

zgodi naslednji večer. Žena je o dogajanju povedala možu, ta pa se je

odločil, da bo naslednji večer ostal doma in moškega pričakal za vrati.

Tretji večer je zopet pozvonilo. Žena je odprla vrata, zunaj je bil isti

moški, ki je vprašal: "Ali znate seksati?"

Žena, opogumljena, ker se je za vrati skrival njen mož je

odgovorila:"Ja, znam!"

"Potem pa poskrbite, da bo vaš mož seksal z vami, ne pa z mojo ženo!"

[SiR]

crknil nam je e-mail server :)

[SiR]

hehe a je kdo tukaj doma z hribov? :D

[SiR]

kje je že v OLP-ju WC? :D

[SiR]

svašta :P

[SiR]

gulp?

[SiR]

Gary Larson LEGENDA :)

[Pravokotar]

hehe a je kdo tukaj doma z hribov? :D

Well, not many of us folks 'round here...

But still.... :rolleyes:

[AlterMann]

:o

[SiR]

hehe

[SiR]

hehe

[SiR]

hehe39

[SiR]

hmmm, ste jih kdaj klasificirali?