AlterMann Objavljeno Avgust 5, 2003 Opozori Objavljeno Avgust 5, 2003 Donald Rumsfeld died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said Rumsfeld, "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said Rumsfeld. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's Bush's clock?" asked Rumsfeld. "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
AndY1 Objavljeno Avgust 5, 2003 Opozori Objavljeno Avgust 5, 2003 The following is a history of the world from the Egyptians to the beginning of the First World War, " pasted together from real sentences written by students on history exams in the U.S." (including the little-known and rather discomforting suggestion that "Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper")... Student History The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them. Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposed insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees. Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
AlterMann Objavljeno Avgust 6, 2003 Opozori Objavljeno Avgust 6, 2003 Perica: 'Mama, ajde da se igramo mame i tate!' Majka zgranuta, brže bolje otrča do najbližeg psihologa. Kada mu je izložila problem, ovaj joj objasni da to nije ništa strašno i da može da se igra sa detetom, ali naravno, samo do izvesne granice. Kada se vratila kuci, Perica ju je čekao sa istim zahtevom. Perica: 'Mama, hoču da se igramo mame i tate!' Mama: 'Dobro sine, igračemo se mame i tate.' Perica: 'OK, idi u spavaču sobu spremi se i čekaj me.' Majka zbunjena, seti se lekarovog saveta i odluči da prihvati igru, te ode u sobu. Skine se i leže u krevet. Posle pet minuta kvaka se pokrene i u vratima se pojavi Perica. Perica: 'Šta je kurvo? Samo na kurac misliš?! Ajde oblači se pa idemo da detetu kupimo bicikl!'
AlterMann Objavljeno Avgust 6, 2003 Opozori Objavljeno Avgust 6, 2003 Posljednja Isusova poruka Dalmatincima: - ''Ne radite ništa dok se ne vratim!!''
Thundercat Objavljeno Avgust 7, 2003 Opozori Objavljeno Avgust 7, 2003 Vklopite zvočnike in kliknite spodnji link.... Fuck!
AlterMann Objavljeno Avgust 8, 2003 Opozori Objavljeno Avgust 8, 2003 Učiteljica je v šoli dala učencem za šolsko nalogo spis s pomenljivim naslovom: Mačka ima devet življenj. Treba je bilo ugotoviti najprej kaj se skriva za tem pregovorom. Janezek je grizel pero in premišljeval, kaj tiči zadaj. Končno se je spomnil in je začel pisati: Moja sestra in njen fant sta ves čas sedela v dnevni sobi in klepetala. Potem je njen fant ugasnil luč in oba sta se začela poljubljati. Mislim, da je postalo sestri pri tem slabo, ker ji je segel fant z roko pod bluzo, da bi čutil, če ji se bije srce. Ravno tako kot to vedno dela stric, ki je zdravnik. Toda ni bil tako dober kot stric, ki je zdravnik, kajti imel je velike težave. Ni znal najti srca in je mečkal kar dolgo časa naokrog. Jaz mislim, da je sestri od tega celo postalo slabo, ker je kar naenkrat začela zelo težko dihati. Zaradi tega ni mogla več sedeti in oba sta se ulegla na kavč. Potem je sestra dobila se vročino. To vem čisto zagotovo, ker je sama rekla kako grozno ji je vroče. Zdaj mi je bilo tudi jasno, zakaj se je njen fant ulegel zraven nje na kavč. Obema je bilo slabo od te grozne vročine. Tudi sem dognal odkod ta vročina izvira, zaradi katere je bilo obema tako slabo. Iz jajc njenega fanta se je izvalila namreč velikanska glista. Videl sem kako je zlezla iz odpetih hlač in se postavila pokonci skoraj navpično. Kaj takega se nikoli nisem videl. Bila je najman 20 cm dolga. Grozila je, da bo se naprej lezla in se večala, ko jo je fant uspel nekako potlačiti nazaj, tako da ni mogla več lesti naprej. Ko je sestra videla strašno glisto jo je postalo močno strah. Dobila je velike oči in je gledala s široko odprtimi usti. Toda sestra je bila na vsak način zelo pogumna. Rekla je samo se, o Devica Marija usmili se me, nakar je skušala glisto ubiti. Potegnila jo je ponovno ven, dala v usta in jo ugriznila za vrat. Nato ji je nameravala verjetno izsesati kri. Naenkrat pa je sestra dala iz sebe smesen grgrajoč glas in jo izpustila. Verjetno jo je glista ugriznila nazaj. Potem jo je sestra ponovno zagrabila in jo močno držala, medtem ko je fant iz žepa vzel nagobočnik in ga glisti nataknil na glavo. Verjetno zato, da ne bi mogla več gristi in pljuvati. Sestra se je ulegla na hrbet in siroko razsirila noge in fant se je ulegel tudi nanjo. Očitno sta jo hotela med sabo kot valjar zmečkati. Toda glista se je borila kot nora, oba sta ječala in stokala, da je bilo joj. Borila sta s tako silo, da bi se kavč skoraj prevrnil. Po dolgi in strasni borbi sta naekrat oba utihnila in obmirovala na kavču. Vedel sem, zdaj je glista mrtva. To sem vedel skoraj zagotovo, kajti visela je mlahavo in visela je ven ze njena drobovina. Sestra in njen fant sta bila na smrt utrujena, toda vseeno sta se poljubljala se naprej. Menim da od veselja, ker sta premagala to strašno žival. Toda kakšen šok! Glista ni bila se mrtva, ampak je se živela!! Skočila je navzgor in se spet začela boriti...To isto se je ponovilo se nekajkrat, dokler moja sestra ni skočila nanjo in jo je poskusala ubiti tako, da je svojo nabito zadnjico silovito udarjala po glisti. Kljub temu je bila ta šele po 35 minutni borbi končno mrtva. Fant je prijel zdaj mrtvo glisto za ušesa in jo nesel v stranišče. Tam jo je spustil v školjko in temeljito izpral z vodo. Torej gliste imajo kot mačke devet življenj.
Alla Objavljeno Avgust 8, 2003 Opozori Objavljeno Avgust 8, 2003 Nakonkon dugog nagovaranja, muz je odveo zenu na prvu partiju golfa u njezinom zivotu, i sto je bilo ocekivano njezin prvi udarac je zavrsio u prozoru predivne kuce u blizini golf igralista. Muz je poludio: "Upozorio sam te da budes oprezna, sad cemo morati otici tamo,ispricati se i platiti stetu na prozoru" I tako je par otisao do kuce i pokucao na vrata. Iznutra se zacuo ugodan glas: "Udjite." Kad su usli imali su sto vidjeti, ne samo da je prozor bio razbijen, i staklo posvuda po podu, nego se razbila i prekrasna antikna vaza. Na naslonjacu je lezao mladji muskarac: "Da li ste vi par koji je razbio prozor?" "Da, gospodine, strasno nam je zao" "Oh, nije se potrebno ispricavati, Zapravo, ja sam Vam vrlo zahvalan. Vidite, ja sam duh i bio sam zarobljen u toj vazi vise od 1000 godina. Sad kad ste me oslobodili, mogu Vam ispuniti tri zelje. Ako vam ne smeta svakome bih ispunio po jednu zelju, a zadnju bih ostavio za sebe. "Oh, to je odlicno." kaze muz. Razmislio je na trenutak i rekao: " zelim miljun dolara svake godine do kraja moga zivota." "Nema problema" rekao je duh. "To je najmanje sto mogu uciniti, uz to garantiram Vam dug i zdrav zivot." "A sad vi gospodjo, sto vi zelite?". "zelim ogromnu kucu sa slugama u svakoj drzavi na svijetu," kaze ona. "Racunajte da je sredjeno" kaze duh. "I ne samo to, vas dom ce uvijek biti siguran od pozara, provalnika i drugih prirodnih katastrofa." " A sada, " kazu muz i zena zajedno, "koja je tvoja zelja?" "Pa dobro, kako sam bio zarobljen vise od tisucu godina, moja Zelja je da imam sex sa Vasom zenom." Muz pogleda zenu i kaze, "Pa draga, znas da smo oboje bogati, imamo sve te kuce, sto kazes?. Ona je razmisljala trenutak i rekla, "Znas, nije mi svejedno, ali s obzirom na sve, mogla bih to podnijeti, ali sto je s tobom dragi?" "Draga, znas da te volim," kaze suprug. "I tako duh i zena otisu uz stepenice, gdje su proveli ostatak dana uzivajuzi jedan u drugom. Duh je bio nezasitan. Nakon neka tri sata non-stop sexa, duh se okrene i pogleda Zenu direktno u oci. "Koliko godina imate ti i tvoj muµ?" - upita "Pa oboje imamo oko 35 godina" odgovori žena. "Bez zajebancije, 35 godina i jo± obadvoje vjerujete u duhove?"
Alla Objavljeno Avgust 8, 2003 Opozori Objavljeno Avgust 8, 2003 COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honour, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a sign that said," William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident." I just lost it! CASE DISMISSED
lederman Objavljeno Avgust 8, 2003 Opozori Objavljeno Avgust 8, 2003 > > > Po letih napornega in dolgotrajnega dela > > >so strokovnjaki na Fakulteti za matematiko univerze v Ljubljani, s > > >pomočjo računalniaških in matematičnih fakultet iz celega Balkana > > >končali projekt > > > > > >Balkanska DIGITALNA URA! > > > > > >Znanstveno delo, ki je trajalo 3 leta in je stalo > > >več kot 160 milijonov evrov je največji projekt, ki je nastal v > > >sodelovanju z bivašimi YU republikami idr. balk. državami od naše > > >osamosvojitve naprej. Rezultat tega znanstvenega podviga lahko > > >ob čudujete > > >na naslednjem > > >e-naslovu: http://www.yugop.com/ver3/stuff/03/fla.html > > >In preveri dejanski čas, takrat ko to gleda?
AlterMann Objavljeno Avgust 8, 2003 Opozori Objavljeno Avgust 8, 2003 Zvečer nekdo pozvoni na vrata zakonska para. Žena je doma in odpre vrata. Zunaj stoji moški, ki žensko vpraša: "Ali znate seksati?" Ženska je vsa iz sebe in mu pred nosom zaloputne vrata. Enako se zgodi naslednji večer. Žena je o dogajanju povedala možu, ta pa se je odločil, da bo naslednji večer ostal doma in moškega pričakal za vrati. Tretji večer je zopet pozvonilo. Žena je odprla vrata, zunaj je bil isti moški, ki je vprašal: "Ali znate seksati?" Žena, opogumljena, ker se je za vrati skrival njen mož je odgovorila:"Ja, znam!" "Potem pa poskrbite, da bo vaš mož seksal z vami, ne pa z mojo ženo!"
SiR Objavljeno Avgust 8, 2003 Opozori Objavljeno Avgust 8, 2003 hehe a je kdo tukaj doma z hribov? :D
Pravokotar Objavljeno Avgust 8, 2003 Opozori Objavljeno Avgust 8, 2003 hehe a je kdo tukaj doma z hribov? :D Well, not many of us folks 'round here... But still.... :rolleyes:
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